


Sparkling Banthas and Tiny Shorts

by MoonwalkingCrab



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Eurovision, Glitter, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 16:24:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6862936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonwalkingCrab/pseuds/MoonwalkingCrab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Force Awakens Eurovision!! There's glitter, there's champagne, there's not much plot! Enjoy!</p><p>Now with <a href="http://kitsunezakuro.tumblr.com/post/144449846699/moonwalkingcrabs-eurovision-au-fic-fucking">art</a>!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sparkling Banthas and Tiny Shorts

**Author's Note:**

> For everyone who requested it. Massive thanks to everyone who contributed ideas, this is for you!
> 
> Also everyone's countries were assigned at random except for The First Order and the Guavian Death Gang.

Hux tugs at the stupidly tight collar of his costume. It's too hot. Backstage is too sweaty, too crowded; he almost trips over one of the three little Jawas from Lithuania, it's just too _Eurovision._

Dodging around one of the innumerable pretty ballad singers Hux stumbles, narrowly missing cracking his head on a massive star shaped glitter ball. He falls sideways, brushing against a prop that looks like a bantha, the bantha is also covered in glitter. And now so is Hux.

Futilely attempting to brush sparkles from his gloves Hux heads off towards the green room to find the rest of the First Order. Ireland isn't due to perform until the end of the show. The knee high boots are already rubbing rings around his calves but they are 'essential to the aesthetic', or so the creative director claims. Apparently the military visuals will contrast well with the message of peace in the song. Hux just wants to rip the stupid little hat off. At their table the backing singers look mutinous, their costumes are essentially the same as Hux's but instead of his ridiculous jodhpurs, they have shorts. Very tight, very short, shorts. Phasma greets him with a glass of champagne and a smile.

Of course she can smile, she looks like a warrior goddess. Her blonde hair is split with chrome, shining streaks of metal that match her artfully ripped dress. Her shoulders are capped with pauldrons. She even has a cape! 

Their backing singers are glaring across the table at another act. Turning Hux recognises their former band member, now ensconced next to a young woman with a triple bun hairstyle. She seems cheerful, waving across to Finland's table.

Ah... Finland, theatric doesn't even begin to describe them. Seven individuals, heavily robed and masked, the Knights of Ren. Or more specifically, Kylo and the Knights of Ren. Hux doesn't know which one is Kylo, they don't even take their masks off to drink. Instead several long straws protrude from the blank faces into a giant fish-bowl cocktail. They're going to be half drunk before they even start it seems. Hux shrugs slightly to himself, it can't hurt their chances.

The announcers are starting the usual preamble and the first few acts slip away to prepare for their turn. Hux drones the voices out, focusing on the table in front of him, hoping the cameras aren't pointed in his direction. He finds himself wondering, not for the first time, why he agreed to this. Phasma passes him another drink.

In an explosion of light and sound, the show begins. Supposing he should check out the competition Hux turns, the acts at the surrounding tables do the same.

It begins simply enough, the Nerf Herders from Georgia channel 90's Elton John to sing a rousing ballad about the tragic history of Alderaan. Hux applauds politely as a waiter passes him with the second fish-bowl sized cocktail for Finland. Hux glances at his own table, relieved that the First Order at least seem to be pacing themselves.

The second act sees the glittery bantha that showered Hux with sparkles appear on stage. It is ridden by the Sand People, a Portuguese act who seem to grunt and hoot rather than sing. Their song, according to the announcers tells the audience that they will be back, and in greater numbers, Hux dearly hopes not. They are followed by a generic ballad or two before a giant man from Belarus appears dressed as a Wookiee, he is serenaded by a choir of children, who for some reason, are Ewoks.

Despite the overwhelming heat and the increasing volume of whoops and cheers from the Finland table Hux finds himself having a good time. He's smiling, nerves forgotten at being the closing act. It strikes him that the best thing to do is just relax and enjoy the spectacle. The near constant flow of drinks helps.

There are acrobats dressed as AT-ATs wandering in the background of the stage now. They have nothing to do with the Cypriot song, but they are there nonetheless, buffeted by a wind machine and fake snow. One of them falls.

The first of the Big 5 appears next. The French song is droid inspired, shining costumes and robotic dance moves punctuated by beautifully accented binary. There are so few foreign language songs that it makes a nice change. This is followed by a young woman from Azerbaijan who seems to be dressed as a TIE fighter, as her song builds up the wings fall off, unravelling to become a long cape. Hux catches Phasma glaring, the cape is bigger than hers.

Next come the Jawa's with their traditional folk song 'Utini'. It is simple, no gimmicks, no big fireworks or explosions but the crowd loves it. Spain is a let-down however, their pianist has been dressed in a crude costume that is supposed to be the legendary Max Rebo. It doesn't work. The next act draws shouts and jeers from the UK table to Hux's right, word is they had some sort of altercation with the band from Israel. Hux leans forwards as Kanjiklub starts to play. The lights dim, the wind machines start, and suddenly it is the 80's again. Acrobats and fire breathers swarm the stage as the soaring rock guitars cause the Finland table to pause in their revelry, one of them getting up for a closer look. Hux guesses this one might be Kylo.

If his own uniform is hot it must be nothing compared to the heavy black robes smothering the other man and Hux feels a burst of fondness for their creative director. It really could have been so much worse. In the corner of his eye Hux sees Finn and his new band move away. They must be up soon.

There are few stand outs in the next few acts. Mostly just pretty girls in long dresses singing endless ballads. They are punctuated by the Montenegro act performing a blatant rip off of the Mon Calimari squid lake ballet. Belgium's traditional jizz band performing a blatant rip off of the Modal Nodes and the Netherlands bringing Sy Snootles out of retirement to sing yet another ballad.

Then it is the turn of The Resistance, the Croatian band that features Finn. Their song is folksy but upbeat with a political slant. Hux is forced to admit that the singers have fantastic voices. They also seem to have hired an extremely handsome man whose job it is to wink and bite his lip at the camera every time it swings by, a good tactic. The audience seems to love it. 

After this Italy falls extremely flat, they have gone with sex appeal over song writing with Twi'lek dancers twirling half dressed around the stage. A good distraction from the awful lyrics. Hux is nudged by Phasma, they really should get ready.

They follow the unsteady Knights of Ren towards the stage. So far Hux hasn't seen anything that has caused him too much concern. He supposes it all depends on the voting but he's quietly confident.

The UK act in on stage as they arrive for final preparations, Hux has long stopped trying to dispel the glitter from his costume. In a break from tradition the United Kingdom seems to have sent an angry Scottish man and the extremely inappropriately named 'Guavian Death Gang', not that it will stop them from scoring 0 of course. They rage across the stage in a whirlwind of drums and heavy basslines that in no way sync up.

In front of the Knights of Ren is Germany's act. She is dressed head to to in the royal regalia of Naboo, Hux doubts she's ever set foot there. Her hair is coiled into delicate braids and woven through a golden netted hairpiece in the shape of a star on the back of her head. The Knight Hux suspects to be Kylo has his head tilted to one side, also looking over the Naboo fan. Her dress falls down her back in gold and green shimmers like dragonfly wings, the flowing sleeves attached by delicately beaded chains. It is a lovely effect and Hux wonders if quite as much effort has been put into her song. She turns to give him a nervous smile and Hux sees that her eyes and lips are outlined in gold, red spots high on white cheeks. Poor girl, Hux smirks with cruel satisfaction, there's no way she can live up to that image.

He's right.

Hux's nerves flare as Finland takes the stage. He is confused, the bands instruments are bizarre. The lead, Kylo's, microphone seems to be some sort of glowing red sword. One of them seems to have a dustbin instead of a drum. Phasma raises her eyebrows to him as the music kicks in.

It is a wall of sound, strangely melodic despite the distortion the mask gives Kylo's voice. It is rough, raw and screaming and Hux can feel his heartbeat speeding up. The music changes to a screeching guitar solo and the crowd goes insane. Hux peeks out. Kylo's mask is gone, robes thrown aside to reveal leather trousers that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination and some sort of mesh crop top. His mouth goes dry. He can't see the singers face, only shining black hair whipped around in the final chorus. Wordlessly Phasma hands him some water.

Then they're on. It goes past in a blur, Phasma reaching towards him like a lover, the backup singers marching in their tiny shorts, the dubstep breakdown he hates so much, and suddenly they're done. They are back at their table before he knows it. The hosts are waffling away about phone lines when Hux seems to come back to himself. Finally he can wrench the stupid little hat from his head. It comes away with a scatter of sparkles.

He's already undoing the stiff buttons at his throat when he feels eyes upon him. He jolts as he gets his first look at Kylo's face, immediately drawn to full pink lips and dark eyes. Groaning he turns to Phasma.

“We need more drinks.”

Things is the Green room quickly descend into chaos as the interval commences and Hux sneaks outside to smoke. He has no interest in the half time show, the reunion of A New Hope, former winners. Their lead singer Luke, has been a notorious recluse for years, Han Solo is not exactly a friendly guy and Obi Wan Kenobi is just old now. Still, the crowd seems to be eating it up. Hux has peace for a few moments.

Breathing deep in the night air Hux hears the door open behind him and he is joined by Kylo, still wearing relatively little. The other man doesn't say anything, just leans against the wall and breathes, dark hair falling across his face. Hux finds his eyes drawn to the bared muscles, the man really is shredded. He licks his lips unconsciously and runs a hand through his hair, ruffling it out of the perfect parting. Kylo's eyes meet his and he feels his cheeks redden, instantly looking away.

“You were good,” the deep rumble of Kylo's voice surprises him, “you might just come second.” He is smirking now and Hux feels himself flush again, this time with anger.

“We'll just let the points decide, shall we?” His voice is as acidic as he can make it but Kylo just smiles once more. Brown eyes rove over Hux's body and he is eternally grateful that he didn't have to wear the short shorts

Stubbing out his cigarette Hux rushes back inside. Hopefully the votes will begin soon. He needs the distraction. Phasma has joined the UK table and is matching their singer Bala Tik shot for shot. Thanisson is chatting animatedly to the German Naboo queen, leaving Mitaka alone at their table. Hux slides in next to him, glaring at the rest of the Knights of Ren. They are all still masked, straws sticking out at all angles into a myriad of colourful cocktails. A waiter carrying a bottle of champagne wanders through the crowd refilling glasses until Hux takes the bottle from his tray plunking it on the table between himself and Mitaka.

When Kylo reappears it is with the same self satisfied smirk on his face staring pointedly at Hux who has made it his mission to drink as much as he can before the votes roll in. Kylo seems to take this as a challenge and follows Hux's every sip with one of his own.

It's a close battle for the top spot with Hux and Kylo sending each other glares every time they overtake one another. To Thanisson's delight The Resistance starts trailing very early on receiving very few points from the juries. At the final count before the popular vote Ireland is in first with Finland only 40 points behind, there is still everything to play for. Hux and Kylo's eyes meet and hold steady as the popular vote is announced. Their glaring is so intense that Phasma has to elbow Hux in the side, eyes wide with surprise. Both Ireland and Finland have been announced, their points from the popular vote were not high.

To their left it's as if an explosion has gone off at The Resistance table. They have launched straight to the top of the leader board, smashing their way into first place. Kylo and Hux are wearing the exact same expression as their gaze meets once more. Shock and disbelief are painted across both their faces until Hux quirks his mouth up in a smile. Kylo follows, and they rise at the same time to congratulate the winners.

From that point Hux's mind begins to blur around the edges as the after party crashes its way through the hotel. He's hanging from Phasma's arm, uniform dishevelled, painful boots discarded some time ago. His socks are sparkly and silver, glinting in the light as Hux watches his own feet be dragged across the carpet. He's unceremoniously dumped onto a couch in the lobby where the German girl is busy painting Kylo's face in swirls of black and gold. His hair has already been braided with twinkling stars that Hux reaches out to grab. He misses completely, hand falling limply onto Kylo's lap. He leaves it there.

The champagne is still flowing, as is, inexplicably the glitter. Hux isn't sure if it's the alcohol or not but everything just seems to get sparklier and sparklier. There is a burst of heat from the small courtyard where the Kanjiklub fire breather is showing off. In the middle of the courtyard is a fountain which now contains three Knights of Ren and Thanisson wearing only his shorts and hat. Phasma has been dragged into an embrace by Bala Tik from the UK act. Hux's brain dimly registers surprise when she doesn't immediately punch him away, instead downing her drink and planting a kiss on his face, smearing him with lipstick.

Poe, the Resistance eye candy is still singing. Not their own entry but the French binary. Finn watches him, eyes sparkling almost as much as Hux's socks. The three little Jawas are handing out canapés although no one is sure where they came from. The girl with the buns, Rey, has somehow acquired Phasma's cape and is huddled beneath it with another Knight of Ren. They both have straws and are sharing a bottle of champagne. The Knight catches Hux's eye and gives him a thumbs up.

Bala Tik has escaped Phasma and heads towards the couch, forcing Hux to sit up. Somehow another drink has appeared in his hand, something sugary and fruity that he sips down suddenly thirsty again. Kylo has moved away he realises with a pang of disappointment as he is crushed into a hug.

“Nice one there pal, ye did good.” The Scottish man slaps him heartily on the shoulders before leaning in to kiss him on the cheek leaving the stain of Phasma's lipstick. The woman herself appears on Hux's other side.

“You can't kiss every act you know.”

Bala smirks and inclines his head, “Tell that to Kanjiklub.” All three heads turn to see the group dancing with the Tuskan raiders, all wearing traces of lipstick. Phasma snorts and hands the man the small tube.

“You might as well just wear it.” With that she grabs Hux again, dragging him to the dance floor. His limbs don't seem to be connected to his body but he doesn't care. Finn is atop Poe's shoulders throwing handfuls of confetti around while Kylo dances with the Wookiee. Hux stumbles as Phasma twirls him, landing roughly on Rey' s foot as she receives her own kiss from the lipstick smeared Bala Tik. Mitaka rushes by, now in possession of Phasma's cape, clutching it to him as if his life depends on it. He's closely followed by a giggling Sy Snootles, surprisingly spry despite her age.

Hux downs another drink and the room begins to blur further, he lands on the soft cushions of the couch, glad to anchor himself to something. He leans his head onto the arm as a black and gold blur dances in front of him. Kylo's voice weaves through his muddled senses, words slurred.

“You should lie, down I mean. I have you know, a room.”

“Yes so do I, we all have rooms,” Hux points to his glittery feet, “But I don't have shoes, I had boots, they went... away.”

“I can help,” and with that Hux is whisked up into Kylo's arms. He wobbles, unsteady for a moment and Hux wraps his arms around broad shoulders. They seem to cross the courtyard in no time. Finn and Poe cheer from the fountain along with the rest of the Guavian Death Gang, who it turns out, are thoroughly nice chaps, they all bear the red lipstick marks of Bala Tik.

Things are silent in the lift up to the rooms allocated to the acts so Hux contents himself with watching the golden stars in Kylo's hair, they sway with every movement, hypnotising. The elevator stops with a jolt and the two men exit, still swaying to the music from downstairs. Reaching Kylo's room Hux is lowered gently to his feet. He follows Kylo in.

“I'm only coming in to lie down,” he assures the other man.

“Of course. I know that.” 

The door shuts with a click.

They meet in a clash of teeth, tongues and glitter, hands drunkenly clutching at each other's clothes. Kylo's tongue is warm and wet, he tastes like champagne. Hux's mind is a whirl. Everything is soft and warm and hard and wet, his hands are on the ass of the leather trousers. He's shirtless now, kisses pressed to his collarbone and his nose buried in Kylo's hair. Everything feels so nice, Kylo is at his lips again. It's the last thing he feels before the swirling blackness in his head overcomes him.

He wakes the next morning with a groan. A shake of his head brings a cascade of confetti and glitter and a dull ache in his temples. It smells of sweat and leather. There is the pressure of a hand on his hip, warm breath against the back of his neck. Hux raises a hand to wipe his face and comes away with streaks of gold paint and yet more glitter. He considers for a moment sneaking away until the grip on his hip tightens, pulling him in closer. Hux leans back with a sigh. Hopefully his hangover won't last too long. 

There are so many things he would like to do this morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Like Kylux? Eurovision? Glitter? Come say hi on [tumblr](http://moonwalkingcrab.tumblr.com).


End file.
